Day 14 - The Battle Before the Storm

I impatiently wait for when it's my turn to fight, pacing back and forth in the locker rooms.. I can hear the intensity of all the action from here...the crackling of shins against bone, the only definitive sound I could make out from the ring, mixed with the screams of corner men and onlooking gamblers/audience. Whereas just days before I was sitting comfortably as a passive observer, I now found myself as a soon-to-be participant in the show. Adrenaline and the rush of emotions, fear, aggression, confidence, anxiety, all energies tearing at me from the inside, manifesting as a knotting tension in my chest area . The mind, a wild animal, running off with the chaotic energy of the stadium. The roar of the crowd, the intent of the combatants, the hot humid air reminding me that I'm in a place far from home.... I could feel the clench in my muscles, the balls of my feet digging into the cement floor,  hands clasping. ...

The strong emotions would come in battling one another as my mind cycled through mental images and my own self-talk ...'OIY!'...one combatant repeatedly knees his opponent in the face. The crowd delights and rewards him with their applause. 'Will that be me? Am I strong enough to endure that?!?'...A few fights later...a combatant drops like dead weight to the canvas after a perfectly connected punch....'Damn....Please don't let that be me...'

...It was only two weeks before, while back in the States I had committed myself FULLY to fighting. The spirit of determination, fearlessness, and courage as my weapons. Flash forward to the present moment, and admist the chaos, I could feel my mind sucked into the belly of this beast, struggling, CLASPING to regain my center before it was my time to perform.  I was beheld with the task of navigating with my own inner doubts, fears, and lack of trust. Admist the fear, I had to find again, FEEL DEEPLY into what was it that called me here in the first place...

It was time, I was up next. Up to the very last moment, my mind was racing as it watched the clock wind down, a part of me still asking for more time. As I made my way up the stairs to the ring, the thoughts, self-talk eased away naturally as I made eye contact with the enemy. Internal resistance relaxed and there was acceptance of the moment....the way HOME was through this ring....

As I stepped into the ring, my adrenaline and baser instincts took control. Time to forget everything and trust that these hands and feet were well prepared...My opponent staring at me hungrily from across the ring and I glare back just as intently.  My mind, empty, the target, clear. I was ready..this battle was won....now it was time to fight...